Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
A man is walking down the street. He looks over and sees a frog sitting there on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, and places it in his pocket. He then heads on his way again. Shortly a voice is heard from his pocket: "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog from his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and returns is to his pocket. Shortly the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone: "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you want!" The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem.
Top ten new slogans for Intel:
•9.9999973251 it’s a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
•8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
•7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
•6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
•5.9999835137 Redefining the PC and Mathematics As Well
•4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
•3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
•2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? •1.9999103517 we’re looking for a Few Good Flaws
•0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.
How to determine if Technology has taken over Your Life
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10.You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting : ) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far cleverer than : ) .
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a wrist-rest for her mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18.You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.
19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes.
23.Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24.You own a set of itty bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine year old.
26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better the track ball or the track *pad*.
30.You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31.You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.
Top 17 Programmer's Terminologies
1.A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still ****ing in the wind.
2.EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3.CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4.MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5.CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6.PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7.TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8.THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9.IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10.WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11.PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12.GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13.GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14.SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15.ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous design.
16.YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!
17.LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.
Diary of an AOL User:
July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online. July 25. That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 I found this thing called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not Usenet.
July 30 These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Windows95: The only computer virus with a user interface.
Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers:
Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.
Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.
Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.
Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.
Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.
Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.
Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.
Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.
Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.
Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.
The rumour is that Jack Kevorkian has setup a Windows NT users group.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one sided or double sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If University of Waterloo made toasters... They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
If ParcPlace made toasters... Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack in the box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your authentic hand crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six pack of 'em.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but none the less would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! (groan)
I have a spelling checker It came with my PC It plane lee marks four my review Miss steaks aye can knot sea
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and Unix. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." Jeremy S. Anderson
Shooting Yourself in the Foot; or How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using. The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."
Objective C (NeXT): You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet." or After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened. or You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it fewer characters.
Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight. or You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
DBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.
DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
Forth: yourself foot shoot.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception processing ability.
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head. sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.
Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face. or You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot). or If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. CLIPPER: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail _REAL_SOON_NOW_.
SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000 page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep fried.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o: No such file or directory % ls % Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. By unknown author.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981
Q: Why do Computer Science Majors confuse Halloween and Christmas? A: Because DEC 25 == OCT 31
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course. He needed help to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew over to it, and while circling the building, drew a handwritten sign and held it up to the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. The people in the building quickly responded to the helicopter, drew a large sign and held it up to the building's window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved to the people in the building, looked at his map, and flew straight back to Seattle airport and landed. After they were on the ground the passenger asked the pilot how the sign "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" helped determine his position? The pilot responded, "I knew I had to be at the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer".
40 things to know if your obsessed with counter strike is:
when you sign all your personal checks with your WONID.
when you strafe supermarket aisles.
when you visit a place and say to yourself "This would make an awesome map."
when you are on IRC saying, "yI love playing CS!"
when your wife left you, your kids have left you, but you don't give a **** because you just knifed someone and you have an awesome kill ratio.
when you are nervous at work because there is an air conditioning vent above you.
when you stop masturbating because you think your neighbour has a wallhack.
when you ask a supermarket employee where the buy zone is.
when you pick out your clothes based on what blends the best.
when every time you sit at a computer you automatically put your fingers on A,W,D and the space bar.
when you get up 2 hours early for work so you can play, but it doesn’t matter because you're late anyway.
when you sneak up behind your friends and start stabbing them with your index finger while make knifing noises.
when someone beats you in something and you yell "HAX!"
when you call in sick because you lost your match last night.
when you carry a knife to school just so you'll get there faster.
when you get a glock and shoot someone in the head expecting them to live.
when you write an English report in 1337. "1t w4s t3h b3st 0f t1m3s, 1t w4s t3h w0rst 0f t1m3s..."
when you get beat on a console game and think the other person is wallhacking, even though they are sitting next to you.
when you switch between your pen and your pencil constantly, to be more like HeatoN.
when you're going for a job interview and your first words are "Can I join your clan?"
when you try to defuse your alarm clock in the morning.
when you wake up and get angry that you didn’t spawn with 800 dollars.
when you ask the school bully for a scrim.
when you crouch for more accuracy while playing dodgeball.
when you ask for a restart after missing the school bus.
when you're playing a sport and the opponent talks to you and you say "TEAM TALK ONLY PLEASE."
when you watch a movie and are constantly telling your friends/family what kind of guns they're using and which ones are better.
when you try to carry something up a ladder backwards and wonder why its not working.
when on a cyber-network you ask for: "1v1 \ my bed \ east \ pm me" and "NO pugs!"
when before sex you say "DR" and "lo3."
when you call the american army "lame" because of HE-spamming.
when you ask a friend to crouch to help you climb a small crate.
when you are getting a midnight snack and try to bunnyhop to the fridge in an attempt to make less noise.
when you join the army and lose an arm from the belief that that grenades explode three seconds after you throw them, regardless of when you pull the pin.
when you curse Valve every time something goes wrong in your daily life.
when you ask what "sv_gravity" is set at when playing basketball.
when you accuse someone of stealing your kill in a shootout.
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data on Whole System
PCMCIA -People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code
Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where "III" means the order of third (3rd). So, what's so eerie about this name?
OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!!
B = 66
I = 73
L = 76
L = 76
G = 71
A = 65
T = 84
E = 69
S = 83
I = 1
I = 1
I = 1 = 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL
Coincidence? Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get 666 too!!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!! Are you sure this is not a coincidence? You decide....
MS-DOS 6.21 ** 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
WINDOWS 95 ** 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666
Proper Disk Care
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?".
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
This message transmitted on 00% recycled electrons.
Resistance is useless! (If 1 ohm)
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
Memory dump: Amnesia...
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE".
I just found the last bug.
This time it will surely run.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX?
I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?
Computers are only human.
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
Glossary of PC Messages
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
Stranded on an Island
A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen -- or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.
He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.
As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?"
"It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my place?"
They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."
After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer
to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
WAY back I bought an Intel Overdrive processor for my 486 at Wal-Mart. I had purchased another one a few weeks before and they worked well. This time I got a faster one, but I found out that my BIOS would not support it. So I box it back up and joined with a friend to take it back for a refund.
At the return counter, I get some hassle. I explain to her that nothing is wrong with it and that it is just incompatible with what I had. The girl thinks I am running a scam and insist that I wait for the “electronics guy” to come back from lunch.
So I stand there for 20 minutes and finally the guy shows up. He briefly talks to her and then comes over to me. He unboxes the CPU and holds it up to the light examining it like it was a diamond or something.
“What did you do to it?”
“I didn’t do anything to it. I already explained that to the other lady.”
“Then why are you bringing it back?”
Now the guy is bouncing it in his hand I guess checking the weight. I figure I should play along before he decides to taste it.
“The Flux Capacitor went out as soon as I plugged it in. I think it was short a Gigawatt.”
He then holds it back up to the light for a second look
“Yeah”¦I hear these things are bad about that.”
I finally got me refund, but then had to calm down my friend who had crawled to the other side of the desk in hysterics.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would stall on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to remove and reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would
run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
<Quotes: some are funny, others are just quotes >
“I’m a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don’t go to those meetings.”
“The best part about Tigger is that he’s the only one.”
“You laugh at me because I’m different, but I laugh at you because you’re all the same.”
“We are the people our parents warned us about.”
“When you feel like criticizing the younger generation, just remember who raised them.”
“If you plan to look back and laugh later, you might as well laugh now.”
“At what point did this seem like a good idea?”
“As you travel down the road of life, whatever be your goal, be sure to keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole.”
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” -John F. Kennedy
“There's a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path.”
“I don’t know what hurts worse”¦ saying something that you wish you hadn’t or not saying anything when you wish you had.”
“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.”
“Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.”
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words”
“Don’t walk ahead of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over”
“Men and women can never truly be friends. Sex always gets in the way.”
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.’ What am I, a microwave?"
“Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.”
“It's who we don't say no to that defines who we are.”
“When life hands you an orange, make screwdrivers.”
“Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.”
“Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.”
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are
ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."
“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”
“I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, ‘What was THAT?!’”
“Mr. Madison. What you've just said....is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.”
“Feminism causes women to kill their husbands, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”
“A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.”
“Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.”
“Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten: boys are stupid.”
“Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents.”
“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, ‘Probably because of something you did.’”
“I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.”
“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell”
“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true.”
“If you take life too seriously you won't get to laugh along with everybody else when you fail.”
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.”
“What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?”
“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun.”
“I used to rock n’ roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I’m lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky."
“Heaven doesn’t want me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.”
“Killing yourself is absolute cowardice. I mean, waaa waaa, I can't deal with my problems, better take the lazy way out...”
“If I keep my expectations for life low enough I can achieve all of my wildest dreams.”
“Once I thought I had mono for a year, it turns out I was just really bored.”
“Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse.”
"Why say 'no' when it feels so good to say 'yes'?"
"Understanding is reached only after confrentation."
"It's far better to be ****ed off than ****ed on."
"We're family, we're gonna be doin' lots of dumb stuff together."
"What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public."
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education." -Mark Twain
"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." ( Adolph Hitler )
"It's a challenge. That's why it's called a short cut, because if it was easy then it would just be the way." ( Road Trip )
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods (from Kelly)
"Opinions are like ********, everyone has one and everyone thinks that everyone else's stinks!"
"Its not an optical illusion, it just looks like one" -Denny Jones
”A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.? ( Winston Churchill )
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." ( Winnie the Pooh )
"You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across the field into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they wont laugh when you trip."
"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim."
"I don't worry about what people think of me because it can't be half as bad as what I think of them."
"I laugh at danger...and then I hide and wait for it to go away."
"An eye for an eye only creates more blindness."
"If you had to wear a bra and high heels you'd be a bitch too."
"It's not PMS I just hate you."
"Men have feelings too but who really cares."
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." ( Forrest gump )
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
"I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time."
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
The stages of a project : (1) Enthusiasm, (2) Depression, (3) Panic, (4) Search for the guilty, (5) Punishment of the innocent, (6) Rewards for the non-participants.
I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
If this person breaches their contract, they will be terminated. And I don't mean fired.
There are 2 rules for success in life : 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.
Mind intentionally left blank...
Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.
If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
There are some people we *want* to offend.
Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?
We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker.
I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.
- Stephen Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before
- Stephen Wright
I dont actually know what these are but they we're quoted theirgo they're quotes.
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
- Ashleigh Brilliant
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
- George Carlin
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
- Steve Rubenstein
Where ever you go, there you are.
- Buckaroo Bonzai
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster : "I wish the toaster to be happy too"
As you know, Joel, children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.
- Unknown
This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday.
- Rick Fields
In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
- Brian E. Moore
You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar.
- Jerry Boyajian
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
- John Kim.
To err is human, but it feels divine.
- Mae West.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.
- B. Hill.
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
- Unknown
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it?
What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.
- All Anon
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Bruce Graham
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Bruce Graham
Alone, adj : In bad company.
TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done..
- Anon
Puritan : Someone who is afraid that, somewhere, someone else is having a good time.
- H. L. Mencken.
Eloquence : The ability to describe Kim Basinger without using one's hands.
- Michael Harkness
Highbrow : A man who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking of Robin Hood.
- Niall Tobin
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
- P.J. O'Rourke
Mustgo, n. : Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
A Milli-Helen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. A Micro-Helen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. A Mega-Helen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand.
- Some Dubious metrics
God created a few perfect people. All the rest are right-handed.
From a Windows 95 demo: It's not a miracle. It's Windows 95.
Those who claim time is money are wrong. Time is life
Don't judge a book by its movie.
As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents, maybe.
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
Good ideas come to those who steal them.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Being superstitious brings bad luck.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Two wrongs don't make a right--three lefts do.
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.
My personal opinion is that apple is a fruit and that one should not mix fruits with computers because that one might end up with a Crapple.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
The Internet? We are not interested in it. -- Bill Gates, 1993
640 K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, 1981
people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue
Never trust a tech who tattoes his IP address to his arm, especialy if it's DHCP
You know what's funny? -- Neither do we.
Life is Like a D*** Very Hard End Much Too Short
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,
is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined
I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
</quotes>
An elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered, "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral," she replied.
* * *
A salesman was driving in the backcountry when he realized that he will not be able to make it to one of his appointments. He looks up the clients phone number and tries to call him on his cell phone, but the cell phone won¹t work. Realizing that it might be hours before he could find a pay phone he decides to stop at the next farm and ask the farmer if he could use his phone.
He stops at the first farm he can find and walks toward the main house. Halfway he sees a pigpen with a lot of ordinary pigs but one of them is hopping around on a wooden leg. Since he had never seen
Just A Few Computer Jokes
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy.....